The Breakfast Club..

So I had some shit I wanted to write tonight, until I checked my email. Now I am redirected to just copy & pasting someone elses words. I love my sister very much. She has been dealt some bad cards in her life and has never folded. In the words of Paul Newman, "sometimes nothin' is a real cool hand". She is the mother of the millenium. I wont bore you with her life story, but jumping forward...she is currently a single mom raising 3 beautiful girls (one with special needs). It is beyond my realm of understanding how she does it so gracefully. I hope she doesnt hate me for posting this as I know she reads this stuff.

Her email:


The girls received their 3rd quarter grades today.

Lindsey Lee, 8th grade, ALL A's and B's!!!!! Yeah, she's the shit.

Laney Kay, 3rd grade, ALL A's!!!!!! Girlfriend does not even have to TRY. NEVER, EVER, EVER STUDIES. She hears it, she knows it. Fucking freaky-okay?

But you know what? They HATE school. hate. hate. hate.

I remember hating it.

But not until I was a sophmore in High School.

(I was uber-smart like Laney Kay)

In High School, the teachers could care less, whether you slacked & slept, whether you maybe actually wanted to learn (GOD-forbid you ask for help on a problem).

Unfortunately, God I fucking hate to even type this, but in our country we covet, the country
we love......we could care less the education we are providing.

I am routing my girls in the direction to make a difference.

I listen to them.....what they say about their teachers....I understand....I tell them that
I BELEIVE them......not the grown-ups.....but they have to reach beyond what some
random grown-up wants to invest in them.

I tell them that I wish that ALL teachers truly had the childs best interest in mind.

But we all know------so many people----whether it is teaching....corrections...whatever....it's
just a paycheck for so many people.

So, anyway, I teach these clever little ladies that they have to want it for themselves.

And no matter what is set before you.......

you will dig, and uncover.....

......and find your way to enlightenment and education.

And the world will be a better place in the end,

because they endured.

I just hope that when/if I ever sucker a girl into letting me knock her up, that I will have the same love & resolve that she does.

Who am I kidding..

Unicorns & Rainbows...

I have no idea what to write about. Still not used to this whole blog-writing thing, so please bare with me. So, I will variously ramble....

Crackling. Popping. White noise.
That's what I don't hear. What I hear is my Papa's voice and people laughing. I don't remember what he was saying, but it was making whomever was in the room forget about anything negative even for just a moment. A few years ago I got my hands on the record player console that my Granny and Papa had in their home when I was a wee lad. Along with it, some old records that they owned. A couple years ago I moved away and loaned it to my friend and today I got it back.
Charlie Pride, Conway Twitty, Loretta Lynn, Kitty Wells, Merle Haggard just to name a few. One that stood out was a Hank Williams Sr./Hank Williams Jr Duet album (it had to be Jr's first recording..) that had my Granny's handwriting in the top right hand corner that said "Mr Charlie Johns", my Papa. He is pictured in my previous post and whom I was named after. I dropped the needle down on that album, and all I could think about was him coming home after working 10-12 hours and putting on this record while Granny was in the kitchen frying chicken and mashing potatoes listening to her own Carter Family Gospel tapes.
Still not sure where I'm going with this. I guess whats on my mind is I just simply need to fucking lighten up. Life is alright. I tend to think too fucking much. Pretty sure those thoughts can/should be directed into something more constructive and positive. Its humorous to even imaging Papa writing a blog about his "feelings".
Goddamn it, I like smiling. I like to make other people smile. I know, but fuck you...its my blog. I had a great time this evening. I haven't laughed that much in a while. It was good times with good people. I want/need more of this. And I shall get it. I am giving you full authority to deal out a swift kick to my jingle-jangles if I am not smiling when you see me. That's totally figuratively, not literally of course. Jackass.

On another note..
I have a tremendous amount of appreciation for the value of my close friends. You know who you are. My life is completely enriched because of your presence in it. I have a deep admiration and an unconditional love for you.

Paddy-Whacked...

Where are these vibrations coming from? There are so many negative things I want to blurt out right now. I got so much shit on my mind. I really hate feeling this way. I wish I could blame it on booze, but I'm sober as Sunday morning right now. Yeah, St Patty's Day, 1am...and I'm not shitfaced. Go figure. I was at my usual watering hole this evening and decided to venture downtown as I was bored. When I got there, I wondered around a bit and weighing heavy on my mind is one major thought....I don't feel like I belong there anymore. I don't feel like communicating with anyone. I'm on some kind of different level. A different wavelength. I'm definitely not thinking clearly. I need to get back to the basics. Have you seen that movie "Into the wild"? Kind of like that, but figuratively, not literally. Shit, who wants to die in the middle of the Alaskan wilderness? Not me. Anyway, I digress.

I know what'll fix this..a day at the beach. Always does..

On another note, I was thinking about my Grandfather today. I miss that old man. I have unconditional love for a few select people, but I miss knowing it was reciprocated. Knowing that he loved me no matter what. I was safe sitting next to him. He was proud of his little grandson. He was a good man. I was given his name.............Am I fucking it up?

With love,
C

Heart Lung Machine...

I'm pretty sure this one is going to spill out into a long one. Its ok if you don't feel like consuming it. Its for me, not you...

I breath in. I breath in when I'm around you, and when I exhale I want to tell you everything Ive wanted to say my whole life. Its too much. Its too much for me to say, and too much for you to hear. Neither of us could handle it. It is bigger than that..

There I was. Five years old. I have selective memory, but for some reason this one really sticks out. I was standing about ten feet in front of my front door. My mother in the doorway, my father in the car about 25 feet behind me in the driveway. It was 1980. I knew something was going on, but wasn't sure what was causing the vibrations. It was like a flood light was shining in my eyes. All I could hear was the muted voices of them talking to each other in a foreign tone. It was like a train was barreling through my front yard and people were yelling at me from the passing cars, but I couldn't quite make out what they were saying....
Then, in an instant, it stopped. There I stood, face cringed from a punch of reality no five year old should ever endure. My fathers shaken soul uttered these words to me...."Whats it going to be, son. Who do you want to live with". Even at five, I knew that this was not the appropriate venue for that kind of question.....it was overwhelming. I looked at my mothers trembling hands. We made eye contact, but I knew she was more than looking at me. In a way that only your mother can. You know. In retrospect, its funny how my little brain rationalized the situation. My thoughts were "well, all my shit is here in the house...I guess I should stay here!". By the way, that was the first and last time my mother ever allowed me to be subjected to anything remotely involved with her divorce. From then on, she protected me pretty well from it.
After that, its a mess. I lived back and forth between them from 1980 to about 1988. Then I decided to go live with my father for good. My Dad, whom after his loveless marriage with my mother ended, was a real son of a bitch. I have no doubt of these facts: 1. My parents never loved each other. 2. I was an accident and he was way too lazy to be father, and had no idea how to raise a child nor was he willing to learn. 3. He always resented my sister as she wasn't his biological daughter (Mom was preggos with her when they met). 4. He used me as leverage in the divorce and throughout my teenage years.
I have always had a tremendous amount of envy for my friends that had both of their parents growing up. There is a rhythm. A steady rhythmic factor, sometimes unseen, that is present. A stability that broken homes do not have. You can feel it. The rhythm, that is. Pulsating in the walls of the home when you walk in. An energy bleeding through the Olan Mills family portrait in the hall at your friends house. Its deafening. And depressing. Some kids deal with those pounding, deafening beats by lashing out at school. Some turn to drugs. Some, like me, suppressed it into a deep dark corner of our psyche.
I do not have one memory of my father playing catch with me in the yard. Not one of him taking me fishing, playing a board game, or taking me to the ball park. I would sit with him and his friends at the coffee shop every day. When a stranger would come up to say hello to him, I have no memory him proudly introducing his "boy". I was just there. Like I was a court-ordered son. A punishment. At least that's how I felt.
As time went on, and I got older, I think he had his epiphany. My stepbrother had a son. Now he became a grandfather (sort of). My stepbrother and his wife are losers and my father and stepmother took on most of the responsibility of raising Ian. When Ian was about five, I think Dad realized his mistake. He started to treat me much better, with a different tone. And I could feel his apologetic energy. He would never admit that he has done anything wrong. But I know that he knows.

My sister cut off her relationship with him probably about 15 years ago. She has had years of counseling over him. I decided years ago to overcome the negative energy he spews and just deal with the fact that he is my father. I don't even know if I love him. I know, that's heavy. But, whatever it is, I have invested my time to be there for him in his twilight years. I believe he knows where he has wronged and the universe has punished him enough.
I still have those pulsating rhythms in every heartbeat. Its a dark undertone. That darkness will always be there. I am his son, but this is MY blood pumping through these veins..not his. I have decided to take ownership. I will not be responsible for his neglect. I will create my own vibrations. I know that if my time ever comes to share my life with a child, I will march to the beat of a different drummer....

I have fought this battle for a long time. This is the first time Ive actually written about it or shared it. I started this blog to write as honest as I can, not to cry on your shoulder or demand some kind of sympathy. This is a part of who I am. A part of my awesomeness...

...Exhale.

I love you all. You should know this.

C

Broken Hearts & Auto Parts..

Note: Not going to be interesting, entertaining, or even witty. Enjoy!

-I am taking my oldest niece to see Ryan Adams in Jax this Monday night. I'm so excited. She has never been to a real show before (I don't think). My friends Dave & Kristen are going with. I was trying to remember my first "real" concert. When I say "real", I mean one I wanted to see. I think my Mom made me see Jimmy Buffet a couple times when I was younger. I have a horrible memory, but I think it was Soundgarden around 1993 at The Edge...
-Looking forward to the Lucero show on Tues night...
-I'm planning a trip to Cali wine country in Sept to secure my status as a wine nerd. Its going to be good times. Prob 3 days in Napa, an a couple days in San Fran. So excited!
-I don't watch that much relevant TV. But, I think I'm gonna break down and get Showtime & HBO finally. And a DVR. There is a show with David Ducovny on Showtime that is the balls! East Bound & Down put me over the edge to get HBO. There is just simply too much amazing stuff to not get HBO...
-I'm awesome. And so are you. We should be awesome together.

Rant:
I was a registered Republican for most of my younger years. I know, "Oooooohhhhh" I'm a horrible person...Its funny how politics have become like fucking pro wrestling. You are either for the "bad guy" or the "good guy". C'mon people. Well anyway, after Bush had us in a headlock and gave us a full-body suplex off the top rope the last 8 years, I registered Democrat. Yayyy! I totally signed up on the cool kid list and supported Obama. Shit, did I have a choice? In the big scheme of things, I like the idea of a younger, more progressive thinking Prez. However, there is one thing I cant quite buy into...his plans to increase taxes on people in the highest tax brackets. Now, some of you might have the mindset of "Yeah! Tax the shit out of those folks, they can afford it!" Well, I got news for some you people....you ready for this...SHIT ROLLS DOWNHILL. Those people control this country. Not you. Not the local governments. Individuals and businesses in high tax brackets hold the power and inevitably control your life. As of today, unemployment rates are at their highest since 1983. Guess who is laying those people off....that's right, the high tax bracket folks. I could go on and on. Anyway, the more stress you put on their wallets, the more its going to effect you and me. There is something else that bothers me about Obama's Robin Hood plan. It WILL cause these people to stop contributing to charitable organizations who directly rely on them to sustain their efforts of philanthropy. This is NOT a goon thing, people. Wall Street Journal said it much smarter than me:
"The tax increases would raise an estimated $318 billion over 10 years by reducing the value of such longstanding deductions as mortgage interest and charitable contributions for people in the highest tax brackets. Households paying income taxes at the 33% and 35% rates can currently claim deductions at those rates. Under the Obama proposal, they could deduct only 28% of the value of those payments."
I hope that some adjustments are made through bi-partisanship. This budget is only a proposal as of now. Maybe he will reconsider...
Just be aware.I love you.CB

Best Little Whore House In Graceland...

So. I feel fucking great today. Just sayin. I was ill for several days (Fri-Monday) and I finally feel normal again. Well, close as I'm gonna get anyway..


I didn't eat, drink anything other than water, or smoke cigs from Friday to Tues. So to celebrate, I had some beers and smoked like my plane was going down at Burton's last night. This morning I smelled like I finger banged Phillip Morris himself, tongue-kissed a homeless person, and somehow woke up in the middle of a Taco Bell crime scene. Good times!


I watched a biography on Dolly Parton the other day. Even if you don't give a shit about her music (which I do), you gotta respect her. Here are a few points:





Integrity - She was approached in 1972 (I think) by Col. Tom Parker (Elvis' handler) and they wanted to record her moderate hit "I will always love you". As usual, Elvis wanted 50% of the rights to the song. As a songwriter and musician, Dolly idolized Elvis! Unfortunately, she had made a commitment to herself that she would not give up ownership of her art. So, she declined Elvis's offer. She was torn up over it, as she would've loved to hear him record the song. Of course, her redemption came in 1994 with Whitney Houston knocking the song out of the park. She made millions of of that recording....and kept her integrity.





Inspiration - (copy/pasted from Dolly's Imagination Library website) Sorry its so long..


In 1996, Dolly Parton launched an exciting new effort to benefit the children of her home county in east Tennessee. Dolly wanted to foster a love of reading among her county’s preschool children and their families. She wanted children to be excited about books and to feel the magic that books can create. Moreover, she could insure that every child would have books, regardless of their family’s income.So she decided to mail a brand new, age appropriate book each month to every child under 5 in Sevier County. With the arrival of every child’s first book, the classic The Little Engine That Could ™, every child could now experience the joy of finding their very own book in their mail box. These moments continue each month until the child turns 5—and in their very last month in the program they receive Look Out Kindergarten Here I Come.Needless to say the experience has been a smashing success. So much so that many other communities clamored to provide the Imagination Library to their children. Dolly thought long and hard about it and decided her Foundation should develop a way for other communities to participate. The Foundation asked a blue ribbon panel of experts to select just the right books and secured Penguin Group USA to be the exclusive publisher for the Imagination Library. Moreover a database was built to keep track of the information.Consequently, in March of 2000 she stood at the podium of The National Press Club in Washington, D.C. and revealed the plan for other communities to provide the Imagination Library to their children. And as only Dolly can say it, she wanted to “put her money where her mouth is – and with such a big mouth that’s a pretty large sum of money” and provide the books herself to the children of Branson, Missouri and Myrtle Beach, South Carolina – communities where her businesses now operate. If other leaders in their communities were willing to do the same, well something big might just happen.You know what? It did!!
David Dotson, Executive Director of The Dollywood Foundation, Dolly Parton, Lady Jackson, President of the Governor’s Books from Birth Foundation, and Phil Bredesen, Governor, State of Tennessee.
Here’s how it works:A community must make the program accessible to all preschool children in their area. The community pays for the books and mailing, promotes the program, registers the children, and enters the information into the database.
From there The Dollywood Foundation takes over and manages the system to deliver the books to the home. You can find out more of the operational details on other pages in this website – so what are you waiting for! Hundreds of communities are providing books to hundreds of thousands of children.



By the way, note this is not just for "underprivileged" children, its for ALL children...

I still get inspired by inspiring people.


Smooches,


CB